Photo via jayunsplanet at Flickr.com

The good news is you already know how to celebrate New Year’s Eve––by drinking champagne which you get to call champagne because you live in America, by making jokes about kissing someone at midnight while you search desperately for someone to kiss at midnight, and by claiming the role of the earnest keeper of resolutions adrift in a world of cynics while you drink champagne to forget last year’s neglected resolutions. The other news is Baltimore will still be here on New Year’s Day, humoring your headachey daydreams and wiping away your swiss-cheese memories of the night before.
The Maryland Science Center in the Inner Harbor (601 Light St.) welcomes all circadian traditionalists and their underage companions to join in the Midnight Noon countdown. From 10:00 am to 2:00 pm, local kids and parental science-lovers will observe the changing of the calendar with face-painting, puppets, and the puerile rhythms of the children’s band Milkshake. Admission is free to members. Pricing for non-members varies . I have nothing sarcastic to say about this event.
The city presents its free New Year’s Eve Spectacular at the Inner Harbor Amphitheater (at Pratt and Light Streets) starting at 7:00 pm with soothing a cappella hits from Part Harmony and continuing at 9:00 pm with the generically ambiguous sounds of Blues Therapy. At the precise start of 2010, the sky above the crowded, icy harbor will explode in a terrifying display of recreational firepower. Still-Mayor Sheila Dixon will host the countdown to the New Year, which will be marked not by a dropping ball but rather by cannon loaded with confetti.
For a simultaneously extravagant and martial evening, cough up $75 for admission to the deck of the U.S.S Constellation in the Inner Harbor (Pier 1, 301 E. Pratt St.). In addition to a clear view of the fireworks, your pricey ticket will get you champagne (see above), fancy food, noisemakers, special tours, and so forth. 10:00 pm to 1:00 am. Acquire a ticket here .
Where might we find you next year?

photo by Flickr user Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombasticos

Mainstream religious holidays have made a hash of public events this week, so it’s as good a time as any for some counterculture to clamber into view. Whether or not you subscribe to one of the major world-views currently celebrating a historical triumph, there are a few local offerings from some oft-neglected philosophies/attitudes/identities/hairstyles. Below:

The Red and Black Ball, a celebration of five years of aggressively alternative food, drink, and culture from Red Emma’s  in Mt. Vernon (800 St. Paul Street) slouches to be born this Saturday at  2640 (2640 St. Paul Street). Though no dress code will be rigidly enforced (these are anarchists), clothing that adheres to the eponymous color scheme is encouraged, as is anything that playfully evokes late twentieth-century art meant to evoke Victorian-era fashion and technology. If in doubt, the anarchists’ website provides numerous links for inspiration. Or just look up the  term “steampunk.” Admission is $10 to $15.

The Visionary Solstice Gathering at Sonar Downtown (407 E. Saratoga Street) also this Saturday may not be taking place on the actual solstice, but there’ll be more than enough male ponytails and Kokopelli tattoos to make up for this little imprecision. A slew of local and otherworldly musicians will play throughout the night, but the main attraction is the live painting performance by Alex Grey and his wife Allyson. Grey, not to be confused with Henry Gray (of the Anatomy), made a name for himself painting hyper-surrealistic figures in the style of medical illustrations viewed through a kaleidoscope while dabbling in substances likely to make covert appearances Saturday night. Admission is $30.

Kwanzaa Family Day is this Sunday at the Baltimore Museum of Art in Charles Village (10 Art Museum Drive). Yes, the holiday was invented in 1966. Yes, it is not an African holiday. Regardless, there will be costumes, dancing, drums, seven inarguably worthwhile principles, and a “rappercussion” with Jali-D. So there. Also, it’s free.
  In what edgy rituals will you participate this week?

photo by flickr user DRB62

Happy Chanukah, Baltimore! The festival of lights is upon us, and apparently that means that not a whole lot is going on in the city. Which is fine, because we’ve got candles, loved ones, and the stern gaze of history to keep us warm, right? Also, these things:

1.    The B’nai Israel Sisterhood is throwing a family Chanukah party predictably enough at the B’nai Israel Synagogue in the Inner Harbor (27 Lloyd Street). Bring some non-perishable food items (cans, that means cans) and enjoy a wholesome evening of eating, socializing, and dancing. Admission’s free, but you should call (410 732-5454) for a reservation. Saturday from 6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.

2.    The Baltimore Museum of Art in Charles Village (10 Art Museum Drive) is hosting a free screening of the results of a special 48-hour Film Project. These pictures were conceived, shot, and edited by local filmmakers all in the span of 48 hours, and this particular batch is devoted to the endlessly fecund theme of Mr. Poe. Having participated in one of these projects as a sweet young naïf living in Athens, Georgia, I can tell you that the screening will be a great deal of fun, which is not to say that the quality of the movies will be staggering. If you’ve gotten bored with the gargantuan, soul-scuttling Charybdis that is the studio system, then you may find this event refreshingly unprofessional. These people make movies purely out of love. Proper amateurs. Friday at 8:00 p.m.

3.    Centerstage in Midtown (700 N. Calvert Street) presents a stage adaptation of David Sedaris’s “The Santaland Diaries.” This story, originally narrated by Sedaris himself on NPR back in 1992, translates surprisingly well to the stage. It’s a one-man show relating Sedaris’ experience working at Macy’s as an elf named Crumpet in the declining kingdom of Santa Claus. I haven’t seen this particular production, but if you feel torn between cynicism about all things holiday themed and a trace of childlike desire to celebrate the season, you could hardly choose a more entertaining compromise. Now through December 20. Show times vary. Tickets are $35.

What are your plans for the eight nights of extraordinarily efficient lamp oil?

photo by flickr user nickhall

Welcome to that magical time of year when the noun ‘holiday’ can be used as an adjective to modify any event, product, or activity, regardless of its relevance to any historical or current holy day. It may not feel much like December––so much as an interminable pre-dawn shower with no hot water when the power’s out––but I’ll help get you into a holiday mood (see?) with a few timely recommendations:

1.    Christ Lutheran Church in the Inner Harbor (701 S. Charles Street) continues its Bach concert series with a performance on Sunday, December 6 at 4:00 p.m. The piece of the day will be the Second Cantata from the Christmas Oratorio. The show is free. Besides, you look like you could use a little culture.

2.    The Central Branch of the Enoch Pratt Free Library in Mount Vernon (400 Cathedral Street) is holding a massive used book sale this weekend from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. on Friday and Saturday and 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. on Sunday. Hardbacks go for a fifty cents. That should give you some notion of the pricing. CDs and DVDs will also be sold. It is harder to think of an easier way to support a better cause in the next seventy-two hours. I’m going with this one.

3.    Miracle on 34th Street is, in addition to being the title of a celebrated and somewhat stale Christmas movie, a stubborn Hampden tradition. The residents of the strip of 34th street that runs from Chesnut Avenue to Keswick Road have for the past sixty-odd years celebrated the coming of the Messiah with massive and garish displays of electrical might in their front yards. Think of the most excessive, parodic arrangement of Christmas lights you’ve ever encountered. Now imagine a laser pointer fired at the surface of the sun. That’s basically the difference between what you’re imagining and what this is. It is tasteless; it may even be sacrilegious. But it’s definitely worth the trip. The spectacle runs through December 31.

In what preliminary holiday rituals will you participate this week?

1. The University of Baltimore in Mount Vernon (1420 N. Charles Street) holds a book talk Monday night with Taylor Branch, author of The Clinton Tapes: Wrestling History with the President. According to the radio interview I heard a couple weeks ago, he basically had incomparable access to Clinton during the years of the administration, throughout prosperous times as well as those stained by scandal. Despite his difficulty managing the transitive property of a certain subtitular verb, he’s an insightful and entertaining speaker. The talk starts Monday at 6:00 p.m. in the School of Law’s moot court room. A cocktail reception and book signing will follow. Admission is free, but you should register here.

2. The Single Carrot Theatre in Station North (120 W. North Avenue) presents their original play, Illuminoctem, starting Wednesday. Having seen a few plays at the Single Carrot (named for a flamboyant Cezanne quotation), I’m looking forward to this one, although/because (a.) it’s never been performed before, (b.) the title is in Latin, and (c.) there’s no dialogue. Besides, they give you a discount just for being an artist (or a student or a senior). The show starts at 7:30 p.m. Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and the preview night Wednesday. 2:30 p.m. on Sundays. Tickets are $20. No show on Thanksgiving.

3. School 33 Art Center in Federal Hill (1427 Light Street) has new exhibit opening tonight. Functionless Form, Functional Décor –– contrived name and all –– should offer plenty of art that’s both playful and pleasing to look at. Yes, a neighbor of mine who recently showed at Nudashank will have work there, as will three other celebrated artists from Maryland, Vermont, and Pennsylvania. 6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Free wine, pretty things, hipsters passing judgment on each other.

What have you given thanks for lately?

1.    Mike Riley, co-founder of the Hexagon in Station North (1825 N. Charles Street) and avowed subject of a ban by public television, will be presenting new paintings tonight at the gallery he helped to found. Expect to look at things that broadly resemble graffiti. No matter what your efforts, you’re not going to look quite wry enough. What do you want? Free art, free admission, (free to) cheap refreshments. Come between 7:00 and 9:00 p.m. Be taken  care of.

2.    The Baltimore Writers’ Conference will be held at the Towson University Union (8000 York Road) Saturday from 9:00 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. If you’re a writer, a would-be writer, or even a mere blogger, then show up freshly rumpled at 8:30 a.m. to register. Mark Bowden, author of Black Hawk Down and The Best Game Ever, will give the keynote address at 9:00 a.m. sharp, which in writer time means 9:17 and 43 seconds. Registration will run you $95 ($50 if you’re a student) and includes breakfast, lunch, and a closing reception. There will be sessions throughout the day on the usual categories: fiction, non-fiction, poetry, screenwriting, drinking, and quick critiques. Bring your latest poem and plenty of Kleenex. Be advised: in a move apparently calculated to drive writers away, Towson U. has recently approved a campus-wide smoking ban. Fools.

3.    Rise & Fall, an art exhibit traveling the country commemorates the fall of the Berlin Wall, twenty years ago. In Baltimore, the collection of international images and German/Turkish electronica will have a one-night stand Tuesday at Shorty’s Martini Bar and Lounge in Canton (3301 Foster Avenue). The German Embassy and Kodak are footing the bill, so show up and get dazzled, educationally.

Where do you plan to push your luck this week?

photo by flickr user trevorparker

If your Halloween in any way resembled mine, then one little Daylight Savings do-over hour was far from sufficient. This week the events calendar seems to be taking a bit of a hangover break, so change things up and try improving yourself with some nice, crunchy culture. Next weekend I promise it’s back to debauchery.

1.    The Reginald F. Lewis Museum in Harbor East (830 E. Pratt Street) welcomes you to enjoy a savory if mellow evening of jazz with saxophonist Major Boyd and the Major Notes. Drinks, snacks, class. Admission is $20 for non-members. Doors open Friday at 6:30.

2.    The Historic Charles Street Association invites you to amble over to the intersection of Charles and Read for an afternoon of good-hearted, reasonable fun in honor of the street’s  strong culinary presence. Drinks, music, belly-dancing (in November!), and most importantly food will appear courtesy of many local restaurants. This is the sort of ‘block party’ to which you could confidently invite your mother-in-law with the nominal aim of introducing her to some local flavor. Admission is free, though the food and drink for the most part won’t be. Saturday noon to 6:00 p.m.

3.    Finally, hipsters and especially would-bes (real hipsters fiercely deny it) will be excited to check out the new show opening at the Metro Gallery in Station North (1700 N. Charles Street). Natasha Tylea is a local photographer called upon not infrequently to capture the souls of various Baltimore bands. Her photographs frame bleak everyday scenes glancingly touched by compassion. This collection of likely good photographs bears the parodically bad title “The Pendulum, the Pit, and Hope,” and will be free. Saturday, 8:00 p.m.

What kind of penance will you pay this week?

1. Baltimore Critical Mass will begin (in costume!) tonight at 7:00 p.m. by the Washington Monument in Mt. Vernon. The idea is simple: cyclists have just as much a right as drivers to disregard all stop signs, traffic lights, turn signals, intersections, safety laws, and common courtesy. In driving news: avoid Mt. Vernon Friday night.

2. The Strand Theatre in Station North (1823 N. Charles Street) pulls a Tom Sawyer and invites all amateur muralists to claim, design, and paint a section of the Strand’s interior wall. Supplies will be supplied, censorship won’t. After Saturday’s labors, a free dance party will ensue next door at the Hexagon (1825 N. Charles Street).

3. This one’s a little sketchy, but then, ‘tis the season. The Federal Hill Hospitality Association will be hosting the First Annual Federal Hill-O-Ween at several locations in the neighborhood. The party will careen from bar to bar, all the while spilling discounted drinks on other parties’ shirts. Tickets are $10. You can buy them in situ (S. Charles and Cross Streets) or ahead of time here. Saturday from 5:00 pm to “midnight.”

4. The Walters Art Museum 8 in Mt. Vernon (600 N. Charles Street) confusingly celebrates All Souls’ Day on Sunday, which is All Saints’ Day. No matter. Mexican food, Mexican music, and loads of Mexican skeleton dolls will make this un Dia de los Muertos worth remembering. Sunday from noon to 3:00 p.m. Admission es gratuito.

How will you observe the inevitability of death this week?

Photo by Flickr user danielle_blue

Haunted houses, crib sheets, and liquor all serve basically the same end:  making the unmanageable seem manageable. So, whether you’re a dresser-up for the eve of All Saints’ or not, consider it a duty to your psyche to mock death at least once this October. Four places for doing so:

1.    The Cox’s Point Haunted Mansion in Cox Point (800 Riverside Drive) is the cheapest and the oldest on the list, though its employees, under the direction of special-effects artist Steve Myers, pride themselves on craft. They are illusionists, all right? $8 for adults, $4 for kids.

2.    Bennett’s Curse House of Vampyres in Arundel Mills (7000 Arundel Mills Circle) claims several honors, among them inclusion in the Top Ten list for America’s Best Haunts as well as a mention on the Travel Channel. Vast, medieval, and now incorporating the Sanctuary of Insanity and Dominion of Darkness, both of which are playfully sadistic extensions of the spectacular if loosely themed show. Stumble along while getting jumped at by horrifying things. Don’t go with someone you’re trying to impress. Tickets are $20. Not handicapped accessible.

3.    Creepywoods Haunted Trail at Huber’s Farm in Kingsville (11898 Philadelphia Road) is run by the same guys who do Bennett’s Curse, only this one’s outdoors. Also not handicapped accessible. Tickets are $15.

4.    Kim’s Krypt in Dundalk (1748 Merritt Boulevard) at the Merrit Park Shopping Center is the campy, home-grown, catch-all, haunted series-of-rooms you never knew you craved until this moment. Even our own fearless editor, Rachel, got scared there. So, if you want to see scabbing-edge pop culture references (let’s hope last year’s Saw V room has been updated) rendered terrifying by passionate volunteers, then you need to see Kim’s.  Tickets are $12.